God's child, kayah luann...

Kayah is now a baptised baby girl! Her baptism was on Saturday and it went really well! She was so good! She looked gorgeous in my baptism gown. I thought it was really neat having her wear my gown. Just another special thing for Kayah and I to share. The church service was very nice. If Kayah wouldn't have had her baptism that night, I think they might have had to cancel the service...there were so few people at church! It almost felt like a private ceremony all for Kayah! Throughout the service I kept feeling like Josh was there with us...standing right behind us through it all. It felt good holding Kayah in my arms just then remembering back to the difficult time I was having a year ago at that time. What a miracle she is! Here are some pictures...

november is here...

Kayah will be 3 months old on Wednesday. She's getting so big. She's amazing! Her smiles and coos and funny faces are so much fun. I'm sad when I leave her every morning, I think about her constantly all day, and I rush out of school to pick her up every evening. She's my everything. These past couple of weeks I'm really starting to feel the sadness of missing Josh pretty strong again. The only thing that makes me feel better is holding our baby girl close. Feeling her in my arms is as close as I can get to feeling Josh in my arms. Kayah doesn't know it, but she's my little angel. She's my saving grace. She's keeping me sane when nothing else can. I'm so grateful God decided that Kayah needed to make her appearance when she did. I don't know how I'd get through some of these days without her.

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In church today Pastor talked about the resurrection after death and how the rules and social nuances of our world won't apply once we go home. In my heart this gave me a sense of relief and also a sense of panic. Relief because it gives me some permission to move on...but panic because I want what I had with Josh once again. I guess whatever is meant to be will be...and I have faith that God will put Josh and I together again in Heaven.

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So, here are some updated pictures of Kayah Lu. She's going to be baptized on November 24th. Yes, it is the one year anniversary of Josh's passing...but I did that on purpose. What better way to celebrate Josh's legacy than to baptise our little girl? He would definitely want me to have something hopeful and cheerful to remember the day by. The day should be filled with hope for the future for everyone involved.

a halloween baby...

So Kayah got to celebrate her first Halloween! It was her first real holiday, although we didn't do much. I was disappointed with the number of trick or treaters I had...only 37! Last year we had 80-some. I went outside my door at around 8:00pm and there weren't any trick or treaters up or down my street, so I shut off my light. Oh well. Here are some pictures from Halloween!

This is my favorite time of year. Having Kayah here makes it so much more fun, too. I am, however, starting to feel the one year anniversary coming on strong. I'm starting to re-live a lot of "the lasts" that Josh and I had together. Like...the last trip to the pumpkin patch, the last concert we went to, the last time I remember him being able to stand up and walk across the room, the last time I remember him being able to carry on a conversation that made sense. It's just a lot of memories flooding back. And these are the memories that are burned so vividly into my brain because everything was so traumatic towards the end. And even if you think I remember a lot, I'm wishing I could remember more. I'm grateful for the memories I have...but I really wanted more. I also remember that this was the time of year that I was really deep into the fertility stuff...with injections and meds every day. I think at this point last year I was having to give myself the injections because Josh was too sick to do it anymore. Oh what I would have given to be able to tell Josh we were having a baby. I know he knows...he knew before I knew, I'm sure...but I wish I could have told him and seen the look on his face. I wonder what he would have said. I have faith that one day I'll get to hear his voice again when I go home. At least I have Kayah to keep me preoccupied while I'm waiting.