a halloween baby...

So Kayah got to celebrate her first Halloween! It was her first real holiday, although we didn't do much. I was disappointed with the number of trick or treaters I had...only 37! Last year we had 80-some. I went outside my door at around 8:00pm and there weren't any trick or treaters up or down my street, so I shut off my light. Oh well. Here are some pictures from Halloween!

This is my favorite time of year. Having Kayah here makes it so much more fun, too. I am, however, starting to feel the one year anniversary coming on strong. I'm starting to re-live a lot of "the lasts" that Josh and I had together. Like...the last trip to the pumpkin patch, the last concert we went to, the last time I remember him being able to stand up and walk across the room, the last time I remember him being able to carry on a conversation that made sense. It's just a lot of memories flooding back. And these are the memories that are burned so vividly into my brain because everything was so traumatic towards the end. And even if you think I remember a lot, I'm wishing I could remember more. I'm grateful for the memories I have...but I really wanted more. I also remember that this was the time of year that I was really deep into the fertility stuff...with injections and meds every day. I think at this point last year I was having to give myself the injections because Josh was too sick to do it anymore. Oh what I would have given to be able to tell Josh we were having a baby. I know he knows...he knew before I knew, I'm sure...but I wish I could have told him and seen the look on his face. I wonder what he would have said. I have faith that one day I'll get to hear his voice again when I go home. At least I have Kayah to keep me preoccupied while I'm waiting.