Baby Amen

Needed to Update...

2010-06-01T22:19:00.002-06:00

Since we are half-way through 2010 and I am feeling guilty for not posting in 2009, I thought it might be nice to add a little slideshow of some of the highlights for Kayah and I in 2009. Here's a poem I wrote recently. It fits my mood at the moment...

"A glistening radiance shining upon me. The dark night is broken by this small sliver of beauty. So small and seemingly so alone in the vast depth of the night. I look up and see the surround of stars and get a sense of warmth despite the chilling cold moving through the air and through my skin. I shiver, I smile, I close my eyes and say a silent prayer of thanks. I'm here this night looking at the purity of existence amidst the darkness of the sky. I'm here to witness simplicity at its finest amidst the chaos of the spinning world. I'm here feeling a strong sense of passion for life despite the challenges that have been tossed my way. This tiny piece of solitude holds much significance, much purpose in the universe. Lives depend on this brilliance for direction, for guidance, for comfort. A glistening radiance so small, yet so heavy with importance. I look into her eyes and squeeze her tight. My saving grace, my glistening radiance, my purity of existence, my simplicity of the world, my passion for life, my guiding light of comfort, my beautiful child.
My daughter."
For Kayah, my amazing little miracle!

Updated Photos!

2009-02-09T23:41:00.000-06:00

Winter '08 Update!

2009-01-06T21:34:00.004-06:00

I thought it was time to give an update. Life is movin' along at a pretty quick pace, so I guess it is important to add in these little updates whenever I can. This winter season has been a lot of fun for us. Kayah is at that stage where she's literally learning something new every day. She's either saying a new word, making a new funny face, dancing a cute new dance step, etc. Here are some of her most recent accomplishments...She can make the animal sounds of the following animals; dog/puppy, kitty, cow, sheep, snake, and monster...She can say "Chris" (which sounds like "Tris") (chris is the guy i've been seeing since june) I'm working on getting Kayah to say Dyllon & Nolan. (those are chris' two boys)...She likes to tell Momma "Nnnoo"(even when she means yes)...She spins herself in circles to Ring-Around-The-Rosie...She swings her hips back and forth, rolls her hands in circles, bops up and down, and throws her hands in the air when she's dancing (chris is trying to teach her the sprinkler)...She can, for the most part, successfully locate her eyes, nose, mouth, ears, hair, belly, butt, legs, and toes...Whenever she sees someone wearing a band-aid she says, "Owww"...She can almost say "One" and hold up one finger if you ask her how old she is...She colors with crayons on paper, on Mom's coffee table, and in the bathtub (all but one of those is okay)...She says, "Jesus" and points him out every time she sees him on a cross...and I could keep going because, like I said, she is literally doing something new every day, but you get the picture.

Kayah helped me put up the Christmas decorations this year. I didn't know that even little ones who have never really been exposed to the excitement of the holidays can still be filled with the Christmas Spirit!! I got out those Christmas decorations and let me tell you...that little girl was the most hyper I've ever seen her. There are pictures in the first slideshow below of her climbing on top of the tree box, bouncing up and down. She also "helped" me place all the branches of the tree. It was a lot of fun. I doubt she will be as much help with putting it all away, though...hmmm...

Kayah also had her first adventure with sledding. Chris took Kayah and his little one, Nolan, out sledding one day in Lincoln. They LOVED it! There are pictures of that in the first slideshow below, too.

Now, this second slideshow is all Christmas! From Christmas Eve at the Amen's, Christmas morning at home with Santa's gifts with Mommy & Chris, Christmas Day at Gma & Gpa J's house, to the day after Christmas at Great Gma & Gpa Pete's house, you'll find all the Kayah excitement you can handle! She was a lot of fun with opening presents. She wanted to be in the middle of it all. Sometimes she would get hung up on a particular gift and not really care that she had more stuff to open, but usually she'd refocus and go back to ripping paper. I think she had fun. :) The holidays are definitely amazing after having a little one of your own, that's for sure! Check out all of the joy in the slideshow below...oh! And you'll have to see how much Kayah LOVED visiting Santa! It's a classic!

Whoa!

2008-10-05T09:11:00.003-06:00

Sorry I haven't been keeping this updated. What a crazy ride life is taking me on. Good thing I have Kayah along with me, otherwise it'd be hard to stay focused. I don't think I had mentioned in any previous blogs that I had begun seeing someone at the beginning of my summer vacation. We had a great summer together with our kids. I regained a lot of confidence that I think I had lost over the past few years, so it's been interesting. Along with that confidence boost, I've been losing weight. As of right now I'm down 45 lbs since May! I'm pretty excited! I think just the fact that emotionally I felt more in charge of myself and the fact that I had someone to actually go out and do things with helped greatly.

Now I'm back into the swing of things at work. A new year, new kids, new problems, new everything. It is interesting in my job how differently things can be from year to year. Kids are unpredictable. Kayah is no longer going to her in-home daycare. She is with a nanny and her 1 year old daughter all day. They go between my house, her house, and another client's house. They do play groups and take trips to the zoo and other places around town. I think Kayah loves all the interaction, yet still gets to have more individualized attention. It seems to be working out really well.

Kayah is all over the place! She walks pretty steadily now and at times practically runs. She climbs up and onto everything. She "talks" like crazy, although not a lot of real words are coming out yet...but she thinks they are! :) She's so beautiful. She's my world. She's my everything.

Here are some new pics of Kayah & I...

oh my!

2008-07-22T23:51:00.006-06:00

Summer is quickly coming to an end. I'm down to only two and a half weeks until school starts up again! :( Kayah is doing amazing things! She is teething again and is finally getting her top front two teeth. She'll have a total of 4 teeth once they fully come in. She is babbling like crazy, which is a lot of fun. She also took her first steps today! I shot a quick video clip, so let's see if I can get it to upload here.

Kayah's First Steps!!!

Planning is underway for Kayah's first birthday party! It will be held a week early that way I can get it done before going back to work. (Less stress for Mommy) Hopefully the weather will cooperate because I plan to have it outside. It should be fun! I just can't believe where the time has gone! My beautiful baby girl is going to be a whole year old! What a fantastic year it has been, too. I'm so blessed!

Kayah in June of 08

Swingin' at a park in Lincoln

Hangin' out in the driveway with Momma

Getting some kisses from Momma

More love from my momma

Close up

Ooo...Look at my shadow

Mom, put me down NOW

Ooo...pretty flower

How big is Kayah? Soooo Big!

this has been a while!

2008-06-07T23:05:00.008-06:00

Sorry to everyone that still keeps up on Kayah and I through this blog. I guess with the stress of the last few weeks of school, then with the freedom of the first week out of school, I didn't really sit down to update. There's so much to update, too!

Kayah Lu is growing so big! She is coming up on 10 months old, believe it or not! She is crawling everywhere...even up the stairs. She pulls up to stand on anything and everything. She will slowly cruise along walking while holding onto things. She is starting to eat some table foods, like certain fruits and veggies. She waves and makes sounds that resemble "hi!" (this is very cute, especially when taking her out places!) She says, "uh,oh!" She is starting to say "mama," but it is more or less babble right now. She has 2 bottom teeth and is going to be getting more soon, I think. She is just such an awesome little girl. Fun. Fun. Fun. :)

I am doing well, too. I had a week off of Master's work, so I took advantage of that time and found something fun to explore. Now I'm back into coursework, so it's going to be a little busy again. However, not teaching will help out immensely. I am hoping this summer keeps going as well as it has started off. It's so much fun being home with Kayah, not having to drop her off at the sitter's every day. I love being Mommy!

Amen Look-alike Meter

2008-05-05T22:52:00.001-06:00

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another quick post

2008-05-05T22:28:00.003-06:00

I know this is a late announcment, but Kayah has started crawling! She really started moving on her own on April 24th. Now here we are about a week and a half later and she's EVERYWHERE! She's just so talented! :)

I've got a very busy month ahead of me, so I doubt I'll be faithful at updating this blog. It's a countdown now 'til the end of the school year, though! YAY! I can't wait for all the time with Kayah this summer!

Happy May Everyone!

getting big...

2008-04-17T21:38:00.002-06:00

This is just a quick update. Kayah just turned 8 months old on April 14th...what a big girl she is! :) And today we hit another milestone...Kayah's first tooth made it's apperance! Yay! It's a front bottom tooth and the one right next to it won't be too far behind. I just wanted everyone to know about her newest accomplishment! Now, the crawling will be soon to follow... :)

Spring Is Here....I Think...

2008-03-30T01:00:00.005-06:00

Yay! I just finished up my 6th Master's class and am now on a break from classes until May! Yay, again! I learned a lot about a few programs, so I have created a new movie about Kayah's first Easter. Make sure to check it out...it's short & sweet!

I should also post a pic of my new hair! I LOVE it! I needed something new...and this is definitely new!

Happy Spring, Everyone!

All About Kayah Movie!

2008-03-30T00:58:00.001-06:00

This is a movie I created for my last Master's class. Since it's all about Kayah, it had to go onto her blog!

a message from kayah...

2008-03-01T00:00:00.021-06:00

My momma says that I need to update my blog. She has been too busy to get to it lately and knows that there are lots of people out there ready for an update on me. I told her that I don't know that many people yet, but she informed me that there are A LOT of people that know me and I should give them the latest news. I said, "Okay, Momma!" And here I am, updating my own blog.

Here's the latest on Momma: She just finished up class 5 of 12 for her Master's. She spends hours in front of the computer or skimming textbooks and journal articles for her classes. Luckily, I know exactly what to do or say to get her away from her work. I like to help her, though, too! Sometimes she even lets me do some typing! I like it best when she makes the font huge and bright pink! Did you know my name starts with the letter "K"?!? Even though Momma works so much on her classes, I know it's important for her to do. She tells me all the time that she's doing all of this stuff for me because I'm so important. She loves me a whole lot and I know she's going to do whatever is best for me!

Here's the latest on me: I love to eat my veggies! I love peas, squash, green beans, carrots, and sweet potatoes! Momma has even started feeding me fruits now, but I like the veggies much better. I especially love when Momma lets me play with my food dish or spoon after I've eaten all my food! That's so much fun!

I'm also sitting up all by myself now. Momma still puts a rolled up blanky or a pillow behind me for when I lose my balance, but I don't need it that much. I keep telling Momma that I'm a strong baby, but she is always playin' it safe with me. Oh well, maybe some day she won't be so protective (ha!).

I turned a 1/2 year old on Valentine's Day and Momma took me over to see my friend, Dalton. Momma says that he will probably be a good friend of mine as I grow up. His mommy and daddy are my Godparents and they seem to like me a little bit. They have very loud and active kitties that Momma calls "dogs." I want to grab them and play with them when I go to their house, but everyone always keeps them away from me. One of these days I'm gonna go after them whether they like it or not!

Well, I guess there's not too much more to tell you right now. In summary, Momma is busy and I am growing big!

I hope everyone is doing well!

~Love, Kayah

filled to capacity...

2008-01-13T22:22:00.000-06:00

That would be how I would describe my life right now. I don't think I could squeeze one more thing into my days. I'm feeling inadequate in my job right now as it is, so I know I just can't toss anything more into the pile. I've started my next Master's class, Educational Research. It is A LOT of work! I've never worked so hard on a paper in my life. I've spent hours and hours researching, typing, asking questions all while trying to be the best mother I can be to Kayah. She wins out sometimes and I have to step away from the work in order to have Mommy and Kayah time. In fact, I try to plan a couple days a week that are strictly Mommy and Kayah time...no school work or Master's work allowed. I LOVE those days so much! I especially love those days because I actually get to go to bed before midnight.

Anyway, there's so much to tell everyone about Kayah! She is growing so fast! She is learning so much! I just can't believe how much she is changing. Monday the 14th is Kayah's 5 month birthday! She rolls over from back to tummy now, but just can't quite figure out how to roll back. She is eating rice cereal now at night before bed. She does so well with the spoon. She is starting to babble like she's having a conversation with me. Also, her newest thing is she whines and squeaks when she wants something. Right now it's kinda cute, but that may not be so a year from now. Something else that is funny...Kayah is afraid of large, leafy plants! ha! Those of you that have been to my house know that I have very large Peace Lillies in my family room. Well, I was playing with Kayah while I was sitting on the couch one night and I held her clear up in the air. Right behind the couch is one of my huge plants. As I'm holding Kayah in the air I can feel her start to breath hard, so I look up at her and see she is staring straight at the plant and is starting to get that terrified look in her eyes. Next thing I know she's screaming at the top of her lungs. I've tried it out a few times since then and every time I hold her up to the plant she starts to breathe really hard. So, I'm trying to fix her phobia now. ha! We water the plant together and talk to the plant and pet the plant, all in hopes that she doesn't grow up with some weird phobia of plants! Oh, my little Kayah has quite the personality!

Amen Look-alike Meter

2007-12-29T21:24:00.001-06:00

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merry christmas, ho ho ho...

2007-12-26T15:14:00.000-06:00

I had so much fun this Christmas season with Kayah! Christmas is always so much more fun with a baby around. From celebrating Christmas with the Peterson side of the family on the 22nd to spending time with the Amen side on Christmas Eve, then ending up with the Johnston's on Christmas Day, it was a full and exciting time for Kayah and I. Here are some pictures to recap the holiday season.

4 months & mrs. claus...

2007-12-16T00:48:00.000-06:00

So, here they are...pictures of Kayah on her 4 month birthday and with Mrs. Claus! I also put in a pic of Kayah's first Christmas ornament.

kayah lu is 4 months young...

2007-12-13T23:53:00.000-06:00

My baby girl is 4 months old! This past month has been quite busy. You can see that I haven't posted anything since Kayah's baptism on the 24th of November. Well, that following week I was plagued with what I found out to be gall bladder attacks. I missed work for the entire week. Then, the week of December 3rd, I went to work that Monday and Tuesday awaiting surgery on Thursday. Wednesday I was planning on making it to work, but Kayah came down with a touch of RSV, so I had to stay home with her. I made it through surgery, which I was very nervous about, and Kayah made it through her first night away from home without Mommy. I'm so grateful for my parents and my grandparents for taking care of Kayah and I while I was recovering from surgery and Kayah was fighting her sickness. Now here I am on the 14th, on my last day off from work to recover from surgery. Kayah has her 4 month check up and shots (no fun!!) and I have an appointment to have my stitches removed (again...no fun!!). But after both of us have had our ouchies for the day we get to go to Kayah's Christmas party at her daycare. Mrs. Claus will be there to read the kids a story and hand out gifts. It should be very cute! And I am for sure taking pictures of Kayah on Mrs. Claus' lap! I just hope we both are feeling up to a Christmas party after our not so fun doctor's appointments! The party is only about 45 minutes to an hour long, so I think we should be able to handle it. I'll put pictures up of Kayah and Mrs. Claus soon! Until then, I posed Kayah for some black and white Christmas-y pictures that turned out really cute...so here they are...for your holiday enjoyment...

p.s. one year ago today i found out i was pregnant with this beautiful little baby. what a miracle God has created in a matter of one year! because of kayah, my life is even more beautiful that i could have ever imagined it to be. check back to last year's post on december 16th and re-live the excitement of finding out my miracle had just happened! (i still have faith, josh...i'll always have faith.)

God's child, kayah luann...

2007-11-25T22:07:00.000-06:00

Kayah is now a baptised baby girl! Her baptism was on Saturday and it went really well! She was so good! She looked gorgeous in my baptism gown. I thought it was really neat having her wear my gown. Just another special thing for Kayah and I to share. The church service was very nice. If Kayah wouldn't have had her baptism that night, I think they might have had to cancel the service...there were so few people at church! It almost felt like a private ceremony all for Kayah! Throughout the service I kept feeling like Josh was there with us...standing right behind us through it all. It felt good holding Kayah in my arms just then remembering back to the difficult time I was having a year ago at that time. What a miracle she is! Here are some pictures...

november is here...

2007-11-11T22:27:00.000-06:00

Kayah will be 3 months old on Wednesday. She's getting so big. She's amazing! Her smiles and coos and funny faces are so much fun. I'm sad when I leave her every morning, I think about her constantly all day, and I rush out of school to pick her up every evening. She's my everything. These past couple of weeks I'm really starting to feel the sadness of missing Josh pretty strong again. The only thing that makes me feel better is holding our baby girl close. Feeling her in my arms is as close as I can get to feeling Josh in my arms. Kayah doesn't know it, but she's my little angel. She's my saving grace. She's keeping me sane when nothing else can. I'm so grateful God decided that Kayah needed to make her appearance when she did. I don't know how I'd get through some of these days without her.

In church today Pastor talked about the resurrection after death and how the rules and social nuances of our world won't apply once we go home. In my heart this gave me a sense of relief and also a sense of panic. Relief because it gives me some permission to move on...but panic because I want what I had with Josh once again. I guess whatever is meant to be will be...and I have faith that God will put Josh and I together again in Heaven.

So, here are some updated pictures of Kayah Lu. She's going to be baptized on November 24th. Yes, it is the one year anniversary of Josh's passing...but I did that on purpose. What better way to celebrate Josh's legacy than to baptise our little girl? He would definitely want me to have something hopeful and cheerful to remember the day by. The day should be filled with hope for the future for everyone involved.

a halloween baby...

2007-11-04T22:30:00.000-06:00

So Kayah got to celebrate her first Halloween! It was her first real holiday, although we didn't do much. I was disappointed with the number of trick or treaters I had...only 37! Last year we had 80-some. I went outside my door at around 8:00pm and there weren't any trick or treaters up or down my street, so I shut off my light. Oh well. Here are some pictures from Halloween!

This is my favorite time of year. Having Kayah here makes it so much more fun, too. I am, however, starting to feel the one year anniversary coming on strong. I'm starting to re-live a lot of "the lasts" that Josh and I had together. Like...the last trip to the pumpkin patch, the last concert we went to, the last time I remember him being able to stand up and walk across the room, the last time I remember him being able to carry on a conversation that made sense. It's just a lot of memories flooding back. And these are the memories that are burned so vividly into my brain because everything was so traumatic towards the end. And even if you think I remember a lot, I'm wishing I could remember more. I'm grateful for the memories I have...but I really wanted more. I also remember that this was the time of year that I was really deep into the fertility stuff...with injections and meds every day. I think at this point last year I was having to give myself the injections because Josh was too sick to do it anymore. Oh what I would have given to be able to tell Josh we were having a baby. I know he knows...he knew before I knew, I'm sure...but I wish I could have told him and seen the look on his face. I wonder what he would have said. I have faith that one day I'll get to hear his voice again when I go home. At least I have Kayah to keep me preoccupied while I'm waiting.

"a big kid"...

2007-10-29T21:40:00.000-06:00

So the doctor says Kayah is a big kid! On Thursday the 25th, Kayah went in for her first immunizations. It wan't very much fun. I felt so bad for her getting those 4 shots in the legs. The look on her face after the first shot was horrible. I just kept saying, "It's okay baby girl, it's okay." Over and over again. I'm sure the nurse thought I was weird. Oh well. She did really well, though. I was proud of her. I also got my flu shot while I was there, so we just covered all our bases. Kayah measured in at a whopping 12 pounds 7 ounces and 24 inches with a head circumference of 16 inches. So, for her age she was above the 90th percentile in weight and above the 97th percentile in height! "A big kid!" She seems generally healthy. She did need some bloodwork done the next day, but it just showed that she is slightly anemic (nothing the doctor is too concerned about right now) and getting over a cold. And yes, she is getting over her first cold. It was all in her nose and is almost completely gone...yay! So Kayah is doing well! She is talking so much and the smiles are to die for! I love her so, so much!

so aware...

2007-10-14T18:26:00.000-06:00

Kayah is so aware of what's going on around her! She is bright-eyed and beautiful! Her smiles are amazing and she has just started cooing and "talking" to Mommy. She tried laughing the other day and a loud noise came out...well, it scared Kayah so much that she jumped and got a little frowny faced. It was cute. Kayah is doing really well at daycare! She actually is starting to show a routine, which is awesome! I know that she's having great days at daycare, which is a huge relief. One thing I need to be less stressed about anyways. School is crazy. Working on my master's is crazy. I'm glad I have Kayah to calm me down (funny that raising a 2 month old is calming compared to everything else in my life!!). Yup, Kayah is 2 months old today! She's gorgeous...you have to see pictures! So, here you go! I got a few smiley pictures and HAD to put them up! If you know Kayah or have been following her adventure into this world, these pictures will melt your heart...I just know it! :)

Kayah says, "Stop Mommy!"

Stretchin' in my pjs

Getting ready to grin at Mommy

Look at that beautiful smile!

Baby Girl Amen all dressed up

Perfect little girl

The smile is on its way

The cutest little smile in the whole wide world!!!

first day of daycare...

2007-10-05T21:13:00.000-06:00

Well, today was Kayah's first day at daycare. I woke up at 5:00am...which is now the regular start time of my day...and my stomach was turning in knots just thinking about leaving Kayah some place strange and new. Kayah and I took our shower (yes, Kayah likes showers) and got ready for the day. We had about a half an hour of free time before we needed to head out the door, so what did we do? Well, I sat there with Kayah sleeping in my arms and bawled, asking Josh to watch over our little girl and make sure she is safe and loved while I can't be with her. When it was time to go I packed Kayah into the car and drove off. I sang her favorite songs to her all the way there, which put her to sleep. I carried her into daycare and handed her over to Robyn, my daycare provider. I could feel my heart breaking, but I was able to choke back the tears for a few minutes. As I turned around and walked out the door and down the driveway to my car I lost it again...sobbing with tears pouring down my face. As I drove to work I kept telling Josh that he better be with Kayah every second that I'm not with her! I suppose I was totally being the first-time mom dropping off her baby at daycare for the first time, but it was SO hard! I held back and didn't call to check up on her once during the school day. Partly because I didn't want to start crying on the phone, but mostly because I was too busy to even get to the phone. Finally, it was 4:00pm and I hurried out the door to pick up my baby girl. Turns out she had a perfect day! She ate at just the right times, slept at just the right times, and didn't even fuss or cry until I got there to pick her up (I think she was just ready to go home and started fussing as soon as she knew I was there.). So (sigh) she did well. It was a good first day of daycare for Kayah. I totally trust my daycare lady, Robyn, which helps a lot...but still doesn't take all of the anxiousness away. I know as the weeks go on it'll start to get easier.

So there's my first day of daycare story. I have pictures to go with it, but I don't feel like downloading them off of my camera right now. However, I will download a picture of Kayah's birth announcements. They ended up looking really cool. Too bad that by the time I got them sent out, Kayah already looked different! They change so fast...it's crazy!! Here's the announcement...

The announcement was done by Moonrae Lynn Designs (http://www.moonraelynn.com). They did a great job!

new pictures...

2007-09-30T12:12:00.000-06:00

i'm going to update you with the newest pics of kayah. she is growing so much! she's already 11 lbs. this coming friday kayah starts at her new daycare! yes, we did get in the one i was hoping she'd get into. i was very happy to finally have that taken care of and feel so comfortable with it. i am back to work. i won't comment too much on it because it will make me depressed. i'm not liking it at all. i HATE leaving kayah...and i'm not really enjoying my job on top of it, either. it's just a bad combination. i just have to remind myself i get to be home every holiday and every summer. hopefully that will get me through.

anyway, here are a few new pics of the gorgeous baby kayah. she's almost 7 weeks now! can you believe it?!?

a real smile...

2007-09-18T21:37:00.001-06:00

Monday, September 17th...a smile...a real smile! Apparently kissing her ten times in a row really fast on the cheek is pretty silly to Kayah. And now that I got a smile out of her I just can't help trying over and over to get another one. I'm also going to try to catch one with my camera so everyone else can share in the joy. She's got the CUTEST smile ever! Oh, another milestone...she graduated to size 1 diapers on her 1 month birthday. Fun, fun!

kayah's 1 month birthday is here...

2007-09-14T12:45:00.000-06:00

One month old today! She is so beautiful. I love her so much. I have had the best month learning all about my little girl. She is amazing. My time at home with her is coming to an end quickly, though. Work is looming in the not-so-distant future. I thought I had found an in-home daycare for Kayah. The lady was very nice and it seemed like a really good situation. However, the day after giving the woman my deposit to hold Kayah's spot until I go back to work, she called saying that she now couldn't take Kayah. Very disappointing because I thought I had finally figured out where my little girl was going to spend her days away from me. But no. The lady was nice enough to call around to other in-home providers for me and found another woman with a possible opening for me to call. Come to find out, this new woman is actually one that I had originally wanted to have as Kayah's daycare provider, but I didn't think she had any openings, so I didn't even try calling her. I spoke with her on the phone and it sounds like she'll have an opening starting on October 5th, which is about the time that I'll need someone. Her program is awesome; she even has curriculum for infants and toddlers. She likes to do long-term care, so Kayah would grow up knowing her as almost a part of the family. She has a special plan just for teachers so Kayah's spot would be held through the summer even though she would be at home with me. It just seems like the best place for Kayah...much better than the first place even. I'm meeting with her next week, so say a prayer or two that things work out. I'll just keep saying the little prayer I've said my whole life, "If it was meant to be, let it be, or help me find my way." I know God & Josh will help me figure this out. I want Kayah to be in the safest, most nurturing environment that she can be in when I'm away from her.

I also started my Masters program last week. Seems to be going well so far. Kayah and I have a deal worked out. She keeps me up at night so that I can get my work done. Ha! This first class has a lot of busy-work, but I think it's just to get us acquainted with the whole on-line program so we are prepared for all of the classes that follow. I can't wait until next November when I can say I'm finished with my Masters! It'll be a lot of hard work between now and then, but I'm willing to do it for my family; for Kayah and I. I just have to make things work.

Now, I will leave you with the newest pictures of Kayah Luann. One of which you will find quite amusing, I'm sure.

3 weeks old...

2007-09-05T00:06:00.000-06:00

My Kayah is 3 weeks old now. I can't believe how fast these 3 weeks have flown by! Well, I guess only in some sense time has flown, while in another it seems like it's been such a long time. For example, I look back at the pictures of myself laying in the hospital bed, waiting to see my little girl's face for the first time and I just can't believe that was 3 weeks ago! You always hear people say after they have a baby that it feels like that baby was always a part of the family; like they can't remember what it was like not having the baby. Well, I think I have to agree. It's hard to remember back to not having Kayah here with me...nor do I really care to remember back to not having Kayah here with me. I LOVE being her mommy. I LOVE having her in my arms staring up at me, or at my side kicking her little feet, or on my chest sleeping soundly. I wouldn't go back to "before Kayah" for anything!

Time is also flying by when I think about having to go back to work. I really don't want to go back. I really don't want to have to leave Kayah with someone else during the day...especially someone I don't know. And no, I haven't even found a daycare yet! It's a bit stressful, but I'm going to keep trying. If anyone knows of someone who does daycare in Omaha, please call me or email me to let me know! I really need some help!

Anyway, I'm enjoying my time with Kayah...every single second of time. It's amazing to be a mother!

two weeks old...

2007-08-28T23:11:00.000-06:00

Today was Kayah's 2 week old birthday! She's doing so well. She has another appointment with the doctor on Thursday, but I suspect she will pass with flying colors. I've been taking pictures of this little girl like crazy, so I thought I'd post a few more new ones for you to see.
...very satisfied after a good meal...

...she says, "Taa Daa"...

...so pretty...

...what a beautiful little face...

...i just really like how this one turned out...

...and we have to have a good crying one in here...

what's behind the name...

2007-08-23T21:16:00.000-06:00

Many people have been asking where we came up with the name Kayah Luann (pronounced Kay-ah, not Ky-ah). Well, my mom's name was Luann Kay, so Josh and I were playing around with the name "Kay" when I thought I cleverly came up with the name Kayah. Josh had me look it up just to make sure that if it did have a meaning, it wasn't something bad. Come to find out it is actually a name. In Native American it means, "eldest sister/sibling," which really fit because Josh and I always felt we had so much in common because we were both the oldest children in our families. In Scandinavian it means, "pure." And in Japanese it means, "wise." We also wanted a name that ended in the "-a" sound to go along with Joshua & Melissa. It also just-so-happens that when you say the alphabet our initials are all lined up...J K L M (joshua, kayah luann, melissa). Kayah Luann is just meant to be.

And speaking of Kayah Luann, she is amazing! We just had her first doctor's appointment today. At 9 days old she is already up past her birth weight...she's up to 8lb 7 1/2 oz now. She has also grown in length...she's up to 22in now. Dr. Rogers says Kayah is looking great; in the upper percentiles for all of the baby check-up stuff. She's been doing really well with breastfeeding, so I'm encouraged to really make it work. I had prayed that it would go smoothly for us and thankfully it has. All is looking good!

Well, I won't be updating the blog with belly pictures any more because it's just not as pretty when there's not a baby inside! ha! But in case you'd like to know, I'm proud to say I'm already wearing some of my pre-pregnancy jeans...yay! Also, I may not be quite as vigilant with updating the blog every weekend, but I'll try to stay on top of it as much as I can to record important events in both my life and Kayah's life. Plus, this is a great place for me to share pics of my beautiful little girl! Thanks to all of you who have kept up with Baby Girl Amen's journey into my arms. Make sure to check back to read up on the latest and greatest happenings!

more pictures to share...

2007-08-20T00:30:00.000-06:00

Let Me Introduce...

2007-08-15T01:55:00.001-06:00

Kayah Luann Amen!

She is beautiful!
Her birthday is August 14, 2007.
She was born at 8:48pm.
She weighed 8lbs 4oz.
She is 20 1/4 in long.

The hospital called early in the morning to do my pre-admission interview over the phone since I was scheduled to be induced on Thursday. Well, I think Kayah heard all of that and decided she wanted to come on her own time! I started getting contractions right after I hung up the phone. However, I didn't know I was having contractions...I just thought they were bad cramps again. The only difference this time is that they were coming in waves...so, I started timing them. They were pretty random, but eventually got down to about 7-4 minutes apart consistently, so I decided my mom and dad better come over to the house. When they started to get stronger and stronger I called my doctor and she told me if I could, to hold out for another hour or so before going to the hospital...just because I'd probably be more comfortable at home. I agreed. Well, that hour passed and my contractions were coming on pretty quick and pretty strong. We hopped in the car and drove to the hospital. My contractions were getting extra strong. Once we got up to the labor and delivery floor they hooked me up to monitors and decided to check me since it seemed my contractions were coming pretty fast. Lo and behold...I was already 9cm dilated with a huge bulging bag of water!!! That's right! 9cm!! They rushed the guy giving epidurals up to my room to get it going quickly. And oh was I thankful for that! By then my contractions had poured on thick and the pain was getting pretty intense. After the epidural, we sat around for a little while as the medicine tried to catch up with the pain. I was feeling A LOT of pressure, so they decided to break my water and have me start pushing. After breaking my water things moved pretty quick. They had me start pushing at about +2. I was feeling intense pressure...the epidural never really caught up to that...and after maybe 6 or 7 contractions the nurse told me to stop pushing and breathe through them until the doctor could get there. TORTURE!! I was so ready to push her out! I'll have to admit, it was pretty crazy while waiting for the doctor to show up! But once she did, I let out about a push and a half and TAADAA...Kayah Luann!

Now we are resting comfortably. Kayah and I are both healthy...and both tired. I'll have more to post in the next few days, but I thought I'd get the announcement and birth story out there for everyone!

the last week is here...

2007-08-12T02:35:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep, so I guess I'll put up a new message. It's official...I'm on my last week of pregnancy. Sad and exciting all at once. It's difficult knowing this is all coming to an end and now I'm moving on to another HUGE stage of life without Josh at my side. I think that's why I feel so sad about the fact that I won't be pregnant for much longer. It took me a while to figure out why I am feeling the way that I am, but I think I finally got it. Maybe now that I know that's why I'm feeling this way, I'll be able to deal with it a little better. Don't get me wrong, though...I am THRILLED to have Baby Girl Amen in my arms! I can't wait to be her mother and love her and kiss her and hold her! So, I'm thinking that once she's actually here it might be easier for me to cope with the sadness. I'm expecting a gigantic range of emotions when I see my beautiful baby girl for the first time, so I'll allow myself to feel a little sadness if I need to because I know I'll also be feeling complete joy and happiness along with it, too.

My mom and dad were over at my house to take care of the lawn on Saturday so I had them take a couple of pictures of me.

They also decided to take me to the mall so I could walk and hopefully bring on some contractions...no luck,though. I'm still hoping I can go into labor on my own before Thursday so I don't have to do the induction. But only God knows when this baby girl is going to make her appearance!

Since I'm being quite sentimental about these being the last few days of my pregnancy, I took a few pictures of me and my belly in the nursery. I put a couple of them along the right side of the blog down by the belly pictures. I actually ended up taking 20-some pictures of myself and my baby belly, but I won't bore you with all of them! There are a few that I think turned out really good that I'll probably change into black and white and frame, so I'm glad I took the time while I could to take the pictures.

Well, I guess that's all I have for now. It's possible that the next time I add a message to this blog it'll be to announce the arrival of Baby Girl Amen! Of course I'll also be announcing her name! (I know it's driving you all crazy...only a few more days to go!) I know I said this before, but say some prayers for me and Baby Girl Amen that she has a smooth and easy delivery into the world.

back from another appointment...

2007-08-09T20:34:00.000-06:00

If Baby Girl Amen hasn't made an appearance by Thursday, August 16th, 2007, that will be the day they induce me. It's scheduled! Of course, it's always a possibility that I'll go into labor on my own at any time, but if I don't then I'll have this baby next week for sure. I'm very excited and also sad at the same time. I'm going to miss being pregnant so much!! Although, I can't wait to hold my little girl in my arms, so I guess I'll just have to get over the sadness part. My hope is that Baby Girl Amen decides to come on her own before the scheduled day because I'd rather work my way into contractions rather than just start off full-steam with meds, but whatever gets my baby to me safely I guess I'll go through. So, I'm still hanging on the edge of my seat, waiting for this little girl. It is exciting to think that a week from right this second I could be holding my daughter in my arms, staring into her little baby eyes. I can't wait!

Next Week?!?!

2007-08-06T18:16:00.000-06:00

So Baby Girl Amen could be here at any moment. I went in for my 37 week appointment and found out that I am 70% effaced and 3 cm dilated! They also did an ultrasound to check on her size and she is already a whopping 7lbs 11oz!! That means if I were to go to 40 weeks I may have over a 9lb baby! Yikes! However, the fact that I've already progressed so far and the fact that the doctor says she can already feel my bag of water, I'm not going the full 40 weeks. If I don't already go into labor on my own, they are actually thinking about inducing me next week!!! That's right! I'm going to have my baby girl by the end of next week!!! I can't believe we're here! It's amazing! I'd start running around the house to get last minute things done, but I don't even know what I need to do!

Actually, last night I'm pretty sure I started nesting. At 10:30pm I suddenly got the urge to vacuum my family room. So, I moved practically everything out of the room (minus the T.V., couch, and recliner) and vacuumed. Then when I was done with that and got everything back into it's place I decided I needed to sit on the floor in front of my vertical blinds with the lint roller and extract all of the cat hair. When I was finished with that I thought I should probably check my email and go to bed, however while I was getting ready for bed I decided my toilets needed to be cleaned. So there I was at about 12:30am, scrubbing my toilets. I think that was the last cleaning thing that I did, so it could have been much worse. However, if you know me and my enthusiasm for cleaning, that was definitely out of the ordinary!

I'll keep you all posted as to when and if I spontaneously go into labor. But I'll know more for sure this Thursday because I have another doctor appointment so they can decide if they for sure want to induce me and when exactly they plan on doing it. Cross your fingers and say some prayers for me and Baby Girl Amen! I know I'll have a lot of support from a lot of different people...but I'll be leaning most on the strength I get from some very important people up Above. :)

36 weeks!!!

2007-07-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

Can you believe it?!? I'm 9 months pregnant! I can't believe I'm here and getting so close to holding my baby girl. I had an appointment with my doctor today and she decided to check me. Turns out I'm already 50% effaced and 2 cm dilated! YAY! She also said that Baby Girl Amen is definitely a big baby and wants to do an ultrasound next week to figure out exactly how big. I guess she's really, really low, too, so my doctor said I definitely will not be going to my due date with all of those factors in play. Over this past week I've been having stretches of time where I feel extremely crampy and have had a bunch of Braxton-Hicks contractions. I guess that some of that has helped me progress to where I am now. It could be any day now! Who's gonna guess the big day correctly? :)

my own pace...

2007-07-22T00:08:00.000-06:00

That's how I would describe my life right now. I do everything slowly and at my own pace. I am working on things around the house, but not with much urgency. I've needed to finish addressing my thank yous for the baby shower for 2 weeks now, but I just can't seem to sit down and completely finish them. I'm also just now beginning to wash some of the new baby stuff, although I haven't done much. I got the car seat cover, swing cover, and bouncy seat cover all washed, so that's pretty good, I think. My biggest accomplishment of the week...I actually packed my hospital bag. Now, a lot of you may not know the anguish this was causing me! It seemed like every time I actually sat down to just think about what I would pack to take to the hospital, I would start to panic. I'm not really sure, but I think I was taking all of my anxiety about going into labor and placing it onto the simple task of packing my bag. However, last week I was finally able to make a list of things to pack, which was a great start. And now I actually have the bag packed! Of course there are a few last minute things that I can't pack yet, but otherwise it's done. I feel a lot more prepared now.

Time's flyin'! I can't wait to hold this little Baby Girl Amen!

i'm feeling, well, bigger...

2007-07-15T22:20:00.000-06:00

I just can't believe I'm down to 6 weeks until my due date! It blows my mind that less than 34 weeks ago I was praying and hoping that I'd wake up in the morning, pee on a stick, and see two lines appear on a pregnancy test! It also amazes me that I've gone through this whole pregnancy without Josh physically at my side. That amazes me so much because I haven't felt like he's not here, I haven't felt like he's missed out on anything. I feel that way because I know he is still here and he isn't missing out on anything. He's here for me in ways that he never could be before. Yes, of course I wish he was still here on earth with me, preparing for our baby girl, but I have so much faith in God's plan for Josh, Baby Girl Amen, and me that it's hard to let that "wishing" overshadow my excitement for what's in store for us right now. And right now, I'm in awe of the fact that I've got this little girl growing inside of me and she's going to be in my arms in only 6 weeks!

I feel like during this past week I've gotten a lot rounder. Baby Girl Amen is gaining weight, which I know for sure because I'm blaming my gain of 5 pounds in two weeks on her growth. :) This week is my last week without a doctor's appointment until Baby Girl Amen is born, believe it or not! Next week I will start my weekly appointments with my OB. I already know this little girl is head down...she has been for quite a few weeks now. So, without jinxing myself, I'm not too worried about her being breech or in any other strange positions...but I guess there's always that chance she'd make some acrobatic move at the last minute.

I've also started feeling more uncomfortable. It's hard to find a comfy place to sit, lay, or stand for that matter. I never knew rolling over in bed could be so uncomfortable, difficult, and at times, painful! I'm not really complaining...I'm just stating the facts. I wouldn't give it up for anything...I LOVE being pregnant and I'm already starting to feel a little sadness about it coming so close to the end. However, I think the thrill of having Baby Girl Amen in my arms will help me overcome my sadness fairly quickly. I am so excited about seeing my little girl!

a quick note...

2007-07-09T21:44:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to quickly let you know that I've added some new polls to the blog. They are on the right-hand side. Check 'em out!

I had another appointment with my doctor today. Everything is going great. Baby Girl Amen is about 5 lbs right now, so right on schedule. I go back again in 2 weeks, then I'll be seeing the doctor every week after that until I deliver. I'm so excited!

This is a short blog...I don't have any more fun things to tell you!

presenting Baby Girl Amen's 3-D ultrasound pics...

2007-07-02T14:56:00.001-06:00

She is so beautiful! And yes, they confirmed that it is indeed a Baby Girl Amen on the way! I think I could have sat there all day and watched the monitor if they'd let me. I have video clips of these images, too, but I can't quite figure out if I can somehow get those onto the blog. The still images will have to do for now. I can already tell she has a silly personality! So, here they are...ENJOY!! :)

showered with gifts...

2007-07-01T21:49:00.000-06:00

This week has been extremely busy! I finally got my house completely ready for the baby shower, with a lot of help from my mom on Friday. I have to say, the house looked really good! Then came the baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! Thank you to everyone that came and thank you for all of the wonderful gifts! Baby Girl Amen and I received so many neat things. And let me tell you, this little girl will be very well dressed! I am also so grateful for all of the diapers that everyone brought! I love that I have varying sizes, too! With over 25 people here squished into my living/dining rooms I'm thankful everyone was able to stay calm and not get claustrophobic! All in all, it was a great day! Thank you all a zillion times! Here are some pictures from the shower...

...and of course...DIAPERS!!!

I'm not done yet! Now that the grandmas have gotten to see the nursery and the baby shower is over, I figure it is time to post some pictures. So, without further ado, here are some pics from Baby Girl Amen's nursery...

(This is what you see when you first walk into the room.)

(These phrases were taken from one of my favorite children's books, No Matter What, by Debi Gliori.)

(This is the crib and bedding up close. Yes, I know...the bumper will be taken out as soon as Baby Girl Amen comes home!)

(This is the wall to the left of the crib. Forever Amen is the name of the star I had named for Josh and I on our wedding day. The pictures are all of things that Josh and I were interested in as a family...as well as a picture of Baby Girl Amen in the middle.)

(This is the wall to the left of the Forever Amen wall, looking back at the door you came in. Yes, that is Happy Birthday wrapping paper on the wall. It cannot be opened until Baby Girl Amen's birth day! Underneath is her name, which is why it's all wrapped up.)

(And completing our circle around the room, to the left of the wrapping paper wall, this is the window/glider wall.)

So, there it is! Most people were in tears after looking around, especially the grandmas, so I made sure to put a box of Kleenex on the dresser. :) I think the room turned out beautifully and I think Josh approves.

Tomorrow I have my 3-D ultrasound!! I'm very excited for it! Now, as long as Baby Girl Amen is photogenic, I'll have some pictures of her to post sometime later this week. If she decides not to pose for the camera, then I'll have to go back in a week or two and try again. Let's hope she's ready to say "cheese!"

tick tock, tick tock...

2007-06-23T16:05:00.000-06:00

Another week has already passed...and quickly if I might add. Baby Girl Amen's nursery is complete, for the most part. I still want to go buy a new glider and I'm waiting on the changing pad and changing pad cover for the changing table. Otherwise, it's pretty much done. There are still tools and things laying around that need to be picked up, but that's easy to do. I can't wait to show everyone! I think it is very cute and very comfortable. Hope this little girl likes it!

My next doctor's appointment is on Monday. I don't know that I'll find out anything important, but I know now for the next month I'll go in every two weeks. That's exciting to me because it just means we're getting that much closer!

Baby Girl Amen is growing so much she's making it hard for me to sleep at night. It's hard to get comfortable and I toss and turn a lot. I've also noticed if I do the slightest bit of stretching or hard work (like getting the nursery finished) my back will hurt so bad for about the next 24-48 hours. That is the worst...to be uncomfortable in bed in the first place, but then not being able to make the backache stop is not fun. For example, I worked in the nursery for about 6 hours yesterday and finally decided to go to bed at about midnight. Well, at 4:30am I was still rolling over to look at the clock to see how many hours of sleep I could get in if I got up at 10:00am. I think maybe I got to sleep around 5:00am and ended up getting up closer to 11:00am. Late, I know...but when you don't fall asleep until 5:00am I think it's okay. It's not like I have somewhere I need to be anyways!

Well, to all of you who may be coming to the baby shower in the next week I look forward to seeing you! Hopefully I'll have my house looking spic and span so I can show you around. And of course, you'll get to preview the nursery!

dreaming, planning, preparing...

2007-06-17T22:04:00.000-06:00

If you could have a title to each week of your life, just like a book, that would be mine for this past week. I've been dreaming a lot about Baby Girl Amen and what it will be like to hold her and look into her beautiful baby eyes. I've been planning things I want to do once I go into labor. I've been preparing our home for the arrival of this little girl, especially preparing the nursery for her to call her very own. It's all been a lot of fun!

The nursery isn't quite finished yet, but it's coming along nicely. I just have to finish the decorating things now. No one is allowed into the nursery now until it's completely done. That means even my mom and dad aren't allowed in until it's finished. I'm hoping I can have it all finished by the end of this week. At least, I better have it finished by the end of this week because I need to start preparing the rest of my house for my upcoming baby shower! I know a lot of people that are coming over have never even been to my house...so I want to make it look nice for all of the tours I'll be giving. It's good though, because if I have a big event like this to get my house ready for, it pushes me and gives me a deadline for when it needs to be done. I work well with deadlines.

Well, today was Josh's first unofficial Father's Day. I'm sure he's enjoying the title of "Father" already. I can just picture the smile he gets on his face whenever someone mentions that he's a dad. So proud. The fact that he helped make this miracle happen must give him such a sense of joy and pride. Our family is growing and he has the love and faith enough to guide it through the years. Whether in Heaven or here on Earth, our family is strong and will continue to find strength in one another, I am sure of that.

what i saw tonight...

2007-06-13T23:14:00.000-06:00

sorry to those of you who read my myspace blog, too...this is just a copy of what i wrote there. i thought it was important enough to put in both places, though.

so something strange happened to me tonight while i was taking off my make-up in front of the mirror. i looked into the mirror and saw myself. i mean, i really saw myself. and the best part is, i saw myself as a mother for the first time. i got the most surreal feeling...i'm going to be a mother. a mother of something so precious, something chosen in Heaven just for me. i also saw myself, i mean truly saw myself for the first time in a long time as someone powerful. even without the make-up, without the clothes, without all of the external enhancers, i saw myself as being strong and confident. josh had helped me boost my self-confidence over the years and he always made me feel like someone very important every day we were together. after he went home, i talked with him repeatedly and asked him for courage and self-confidence even without him at my side. i think he's sending me another gift tonight...this realization that i am a strong and powerful wife and mother no matter what is going on around me. i'm so grateful that he can still be so influential in my life even from Heaven. so to mark the occasion, i took some pictures of myself because i want to remember this feeling and be able to remind myself when i'm feeling weak that this was the night that josh sent me the gift of confidence and it's also the night that i really saw myself as a mother for the first time.

(here are some of the pictures i took...)

an eventful week...

2007-06-09T23:19:00.000-06:00

This week proved to be challenging and exciting. Challenging because Tuesday was me and Josh's wedding anniversary. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. In fact, I still don't feel quite myself and it's almost Sunday. I took a break from my phone and from most people this week, except for my parents...I needed a little human contact...which has helped a little in just being able to deal with me and not having to worry about anyone else (minus Baby Girl Amen, of course). We'll see what this coming week brings. Hopefully, more peace and strength from Above.

This week has been exciting for a couple of reasons, though, too. First off, Monday I had another Doctor appointment. Baby Girl Amen sounds great and seems to be doing fine. I had to get a shot in the butt because me and Josh's blood types clash (he was A+, I'm O-). It wasn't too bad...I mean, if I can handle all the injections just to get pregnant, I can handle one more now. I also found out that I'll be seeing my doctor a little more often now. I go back in 3 weeks, then after that it'll be every 2 weeks, then every week once I get down to the last month. My baby girl is going to be here before I know it!

The second reason this week has been exciting is because I started my 6 week prepared childbirth class. My mom is my "coach," so she went along with me. I don't mind the class too much...especially since we practice relaxation techniques, which involves me getting massaged. :) I like that part.

And the third reason this week has been exciting is because we got Baby Girl Amen's room painted and her crib put together! YAY! The room color is so cute! It's called "Flamingo Pink." And it is PINK! I LOVE it! I also got new blinds and curtains put up in the nursery, too. It's all starting to come together now. It's so exciting! Later this week, probably during my childbirth class, my dad and brother are going to come back over to put the changer and dresser (and maybe my bookshelves, if they make it here by then) together for me. Then, that should do it for getting furniture assembled. It'll be up to me to do all the fine-tuning after that. I can't wait, either! I'm not putting any pictures of the room up until it's completely finished, sorry. I want everyone to anticipate and feel the excitement! hehe! :)

Baby Girl Amen is so strong and so funny. I love her so much already. I love being pregnant and knowing that soon I'll hold this little miracle in my arms.

quick note...

2007-06-03T21:42:00.000-06:00

I officially felt Baby Girl Amen having the hiccups. I thought if I ever did feel her having hiccups that I'd think it was funny and cute...but no...I felt bad for her the whole time. I wanted to hold her and tell her it's okay. For some reason I could just picture her being scared about having the hiccups for the first time. I'm sure she wasn't, but I wanted to comfort her anyways. So, I did the best I could from out here while she hiccuped away for about 10 minutes in there. Poor thing.

it's summer...

2007-06-02T17:30:00.000-06:00

Yay! I made it to summer vacation. Not without a lot of long hours at school/home trying to get last minute things done. But it's done. Actually, though, there are a lot of loose ends for school starting back up in the fall...especially since I will be on maternity leave...but I'm hoping to take a little break and then think about school again in a few weeks. My brain needs a break from school so I can focus on more important things...mainly, Baby Girl Amen!

I have received the furniture for the nursery, but it's not put together yet. Next weekend it's my goal to have the painting done and furniture assembled. I'm not doing all of the work, though. My dad and brother are going to be my slave labor (although, I think they will do it willingly). I can't wait to see the furniture up and the walls painted! I've got each wall mapped out in my mind as to how I'm going to decorate. Now I just need to make it come alive! :) If it all works out, it should be a very sweet nursery for my little girl.

Last weekend was Memorial weekend and I went out of town for a few days. A cousin of mine got married and I got to spend some time by the river with my family. It was fun. I had my mom take a picture of me at the wedding so everyone could keep track of how I look as a whole (not just my belly). I'm actually pretty proud at how I've done so far. Now...hopefully I'll be able to say that again in a couple of months! HA!

I know the time is coming for baby showers and fun things to prepare for this little girl. I'm going to throw some suggestions out there. If you're planning on buying baby clothes, I would really appreciate things in sizes 6 months and up. You may need to consider the weather during these times, but right now I have a TON of newborn clothes. My mom says we'll have to change Baby Girl Amen's clothes 10 times a day if we want her to wear everything before she grows out of them! Also, keep in mind that I still have my baby registry up at Target. I could use most of the things there more than clothes right now. Of course, I will not be heart broken with more little girl clothes...they are SOOOOO darn cute! And I will truly be grateful for any gifts I might receive, so thank you in advance! :)

As you may be noticing, I am starting to grow larger and larger every week. Along with that, Baby Girl Amen is getting stronger and more active every week, too! It's so much fun to sit and feel her squiggle and kick inside of me. I daydream about who she looks like. What features will she get of her Daddy's and what of mine? It's truly amazing to think that this little person is growing inside of me and soon I'll be able to hold her, love her, and teach her all about life. I am so blessed to be this little girl's mommy!

and she loves to hear me sing...

2007-05-19T16:21:00.000-06:00

She's probably the only one who loves to hear me sing, but as long as she likes it, I'll do it! Well, the other night I got home from a very busy and stressful day at work and decided to just lay down on the couch for a while. As I'm laying there I decided that it would be nice if little Baby Girl Amen would wake up and entertain me so that I could actually enjoy it. (It seems like I'll notice her moving and kicking a lot during the day at work when I can't really enjoy it as much as when I'm at home.) So, I started poking and prodding at my tummy trying to get her to wake up. I was talking to her, trying to coax her to become alert. Nothing was working. She was as still as still could be. I decided that I'd try singing to her to see if that would wake her up. I started off with Itsy Bitsy Spider...nothing. I moved on to the ABCs...nothing. Next I tried Row Row Row Your Boat...nothing. I was about to give up when I thought of one of my favorite kid songs that Grandpa "Pete" taught me. I don't know if it has a real name, but I call it the Bakery Shop Song. Well, I started singing it and sure enough, Baby Girl Amen likes the song, too. She started kicking and moving through the whole song. It was a lot of fun to sing to her when I knew that she was listening and could actually hear me! Here are the lyrics to the Bakery Shop song...

Well, I walked downtown and I walked around the block

I walked right in to the bakery shop

I pulled three doughnuts right out of the grease

and handed the lady a five cent piece.

Well, she looked at the nickel and she looked at me

She said that nickel's no good to me

It's got a hole in the middle and it goes straight through

Said I to the lady, so's your doughnuts, too!

Anyways, sorry that I didn't post anything new last week. I've said it many times before, but I've been swamped at work. This coming week is the last week at school with kids, so I'm very excited! Then after Memorial Day I go back for 3 teacher work days to end out my school year! June 1st is officially my first day of summer vacation! YIPPEEE!! I can't wait! I have my next doctor's appointment the following week, but I doubt I'll learn anything new. I know that Baby Girl Amen is growing and getting stronger. I feel healthy and I'm trying to stay that way. I've made the appointment for a 3-D ultrasound for July 2nd, too, so that will tell us how things are looking as the summer progresses. For Mother's Day I invited Baby Girl Amen's grandmas to join me at her 3-D ultrasound. It should be pretty cool and I'll even get a CD with all of the pictures from the ultrasound, so I'll be able to share them all with you afterwards! Here's a copy of the invitation that the grandmas got for Mother's Day...

...
Well, I posted this blog on Saturday the 19th, but today, Sunday, I made a big purchase that I needed to share with everyone. I ordered the nursery furniture today! I really like it and it should go well with the bedding I picked out. I'm so excited to get the room ready and see it all put together!! Here are pictures of what I bought. The picture of the crib is actually what it will look like when it's converted into a toddler bed. They don't have a picture of what it looks like with the railing on in the honey pine finish that I ordered.

yikes...the 3rd trimester is here...

2007-05-07T20:39:00.000-06:00

I'm officially in my 3rd trimester! Can you believe it? I know I can't! Where did the 2nd trimester go??? I had another doctor appointment today, so mark off my 6 month visit. They tested for gestational diabetes and anemia...I have neither and all else looks healthy. I got to hear her heartbeat again and the doctor says she sounds like a good baby.

Baby Girl Amen is awake a lot more now. I used to only feel her a couple times a day, but now I'm feeling her more often. And when I feel her now, it's very noticeable. I was laying on the couch last night and started to feel her wake up, so I lifted up my shirt to watch my tummy. After about 5 minutes I was laughing out loud at how crazy she was being. It's the coolest and weirdest thing to look down and see something moving, kicking, punching from the inside of my belly! She was pretty active for about a full 20 minutes, which was the longest she'd been playful up to that point. I LOVE it all! I LOVE being pregnant with this little girl!

I keep coming across pictures of Josh and I from the past couple of years. It's so much fun, but so hard to look at them all. They make me smile and cry all at the same time. My love for Josh is so strong it's hard to even imagine that we've been apart for a little over 5 months already. I still feel like he should be coming home any time now. I miss him so much. Usually when Baby Girl Amen starts kicking I talk to Josh as if he was still here and ask him "if he felt that too." It sounds silly, but he's the only one I have to share it with and the only one I really want to share it with. I know he's just as excited about every kick as I am, so I'll keep talking to him because I feel like he's here with me through it all.

some cute baby clothes...

2007-05-01T22:32:00.000-06:00

Since I haven't had much exciting news, I figured I'd post some pictures of some of the cute clothes I've either purchased or been given recently.

This is most likely the outfit that Baby Girl Amen will be coming home in...along with Husker booties and a cute Husker headband. (I made a promise to Josh a long time ago...)

These are some gowns that Jenon & Chris gave me. The one on the left says, "Love" and the one on the right says, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls."

This is an outfit that Jenon got for me...supposedly her bf picked it out.

This is an outfit that someone Chris knows bought for Baby Girl Amen.

I bought this one...I love it...you should see the back...it has a ruffle butt! :)

I also bought this one. It says, "Daddy's Little Lovebug."

I bought this little hoodie outfit. I don't know why the picture turned out so green-looking.

Guilty again. I bought this one as well.

Okay, all me again. This one says, "Princess" inside the little white heart.

So, there's some of the cute clothes Baby Girl Amen has gotten so far. There's so much cute stuff out there!!

not much new...

2007-04-28T14:17:00.000-06:00

This week has been pretty uneventful. No new news. Nothing exciting. Just lots of work and lots of anticipation for summer vacation. Only 19 days left with kids at school...only 23 days of work left in total. My first official day of summer vacation is June 1st. I can't wait!

So, yeah, I don't know much else that I can say right now. Baby Girl Amen is doing well. She kicks a lot and is growing a lot...as you can see by my weekly belly pic. It'll be nice when I don't have to dress up for work and I can just wear comfy clothes all the time. Hopefully I have enough maternity stuff to last me through the end of the school year. I could use another pair of jeans, though.

geesh...i'm getting bigger...

2007-04-21T10:15:00.000-06:00

This week I have definitely noticed growth. You can totally tell in my weekly belly pic that things are starting to fill out more. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later!

I got my nursery bedding and other things in the mail this week. It looks really cute. Now what I need is to get my baby furniture so I can start putting things together. But...before I do that I have to clean out the spare room to turn it into the nursery. And that will take some time. I'm planning on tackling that project during the first week of my summer vacation. However, if I feel motivated enough during a weekend between now and then I may just start doing little things.

Baby Girl Amen's kicking is getting a lot stronger and a lot more noticeable. Still not enough to wake me up at night, but it is enough to actually see and feel from the outside of my belly. It's pretty fun to watch when she's really active. I read to Baby Girl Amen almost every night and I've noticed that she's usually pretty active when I first lay down in bed before I start reading. After I start reading though, she stops kicking like she's actually listening to my voice. It's pretty cool.

Yesterday I found out that me and Josh's stone was placed out at the cemetery. I went out there to see how it looks and I'm pleased. I think it looks really nice and I do think Josh would approve. I didn't know exactly how I would feel about it once I got out there and actually saw our names engraved on a piece of marble, but I can honestly say it felt good. It felt good to see my name next to his again. We are meant to be together and seeing it on something so permanent, something so concrete was comforting. Almost like another way of proving how much love we share together whether in life on earth or up Above. I jokingly said to Josh as I was getting ready to go, "Now I gotta pay for this thing." But after I said it I think Josh whispered to me and said, "At least you can do it now and our little girl won't have to." I am thankful for that. And it's so strange to me that here I am at 25 already paying off my headstone so that my unborn daughter won't have to worry about it. I know my grandparents have just recently gotten to that point and my parents haven't even thought about it...but here I am almost finished with it. Life's journey is so different for each and every one of us. It's so surreal to step back and look at the way my life has played out so far. Yet I'm so grateful for all of the gifts God has given me and I wouldn't trade a thing in life if it meant I would be a different person than who I am today.

look how efficient i am...

2007-04-14T22:54:00.000-06:00

Who knew I'd update so many times in one week! I just keep finding more and more things to tell you all!

I wanted to let everyone know that I now have a baby registry up at Target. I did my shopping over the internet, so I think some of it is internet order only, however there are things that you can purchase at the store, too. Those of you who want to buy something and feel safe ordering online, I say go for it. I've had good luck with them before. You can click here to sign into baby registries. http://www.target.com/gp/browse.html/ref=nav2_targetbabylogo/601-3436310-4148107?ie=UTF8&node=306503011

I also wanted to share with you the nursery pattern I chose to go with. It's called Como by Nojo (ha) and I think it's very cute. Simple and cute...just the way I like it. And NO FLOWERS! Those of you who know me well enough understand my feelings on floral prints in home decor (right Grandma?). Here's a picture of the set I purchased. If you check out my Target registry you'll find a couple of items from this set that I haven't already bought.

Isn't it cute? Well, I think so and that's all that matters, right?!? Josh would be upset that I'm not doing Huskers...but I just can't bring myself to plastering all Huskers stuff in Baby Girl Amen's nursery. We can save the Husker stuff to outfits and the occasional accessory. He'll just have to be happy with that! :)

hopefully everyone knows now...

2007-04-12T19:14:00.000-06:00

Sorry to all my friends and family that I lied to and told I was having my ultrasound on the 11th. It all worked out like I wanted it to, though. I was able to finish up my scrapbooks and drive one out to the Amens then drive one out to the Johnstons and surprise everyone that way. Hopefully you all got to read the book I made. Some of the pictures in the slideshow didn't turn out as clear as I would have liked, but I think it's still readable. I had so much fun making those books! I started them over a week ago, but wasn't able to finish the last page until after my ultrasound, of course. So, I had a lot of work to do after I got out of work on the 9th! It was all worth it, though.

So, Baby Girl Amen is doing well. Everything looks and sounds healthy. My ultrasound pictures aren't as clear as some of the earlier ones, but they still show my little girl, so I love them.

This picture I turned on it's side for you. It's a close up of Baby Girl Amen's face/head. You can see her eye sockets and chin. The white between the eyes is just bone forming for the bridge of the nose. It's really hard to tell in the picture, but if you look closely you can see her arms are up by her head. In fact, she kept her arms by her face during most of the ultrasound. It was very cute!

This is a picture of Baby Girl Amen's foot. It's pretty self-explanatory. I just thought it was a cute picture of a little foot.

Okay, now this picture will be hard to describe to you without actually getting to point it out, but I'll try. This picture actually tells us that Baby Amen is a girl! First you have to understand where we're looking. This picture is looking up at Baby Girl Amen's behind. As if she were sitting with her knees curled up towards her tummy (which is why you can't see her legs). Her behind is facing the right side of the picture and her legs are facing the left side of the picture. In that area you can see what shows up as 3 little white lines. Those are little girl parts. My doctor said that if it were a boy there wouldn't be lines, there'd be circles. Obviously you get that picture. So, now I know I'm having a little girl...and I'm so excited. She certainly is already Daddy's little girl! I can't wait to hold her in my arms!

Also, I should add another thing. A lot of people have been asking about a name now that I know it's a girl. Well, believe it or not, Josh and I have already had names picked out for about 2 years (since we started fertility treatments). We always knew it was a possibility that Josh may not be here with me when our baby was born and he wanted to be a part of choosing names. We also knew that since I had to go through fertility treatments there was a huge possibility that I would have multiples. So Josh, being the extremely organized, overly prepared person that he was, helped me plan combinations of names in case we had twins, triplets, and even quadruplets!!! Technically, we have 4 girl names and 4 boy names chosen, each one ranking in a certain order. It's very comforting to know that I'll be naming our child exactly what we would have named her even if her daddy were still here on earth. And by the way, you won't know Baby Girl Amen's name until she arrives in August!!! It's me and Josh's secret!!!

so i lied to everyone...i had my ultrasound today (4-9-07)...

2007-04-09T22:50:00.000-06:00

***hint: click on the plus sign in the bottom left hand corner if you want to make it go faster***but you still need to read it!***

happy easter...

2007-04-08T19:52:00.000-06:00

I hope the Easter Bunny was good to you all. In church this morning one of my pastors reminded me that Easter is a time where God reminds us that death does not have the last word; instead, He promises us eternal life. It's reassuring to hear that again and again because it strengthens my faith that I will see Josh again in the future. It's only a matter of time. I remember back to 4 years ago today. It's the day that Josh knelt down in front of me and asked me to marry him...to be his wife. Even though he and I already knew we were meant to be together, it was a day that we were able to solidify that feeling of being together forever. And I feel that as deeply today as I ever have. We will be together...forever.

Baby Amen is, as far as I know, doing well. Still moving and growing. The kicks are getting a little stronger so that sometimes I can feel them from the outside of my belly. This week I go in for my BIG ULTRASOUND! I can't wait! Make sure you check back here later this week to see the results.

Oh, and I better mention the fact that today is my 25th birthday. And no, I don't feel any older today. After everything I've been through the past few years I've felt old for quite a while now. Here are a couple of pictures to celebrate the occasion.

still waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

2007-04-01T10:41:00.000-06:00

In my last post I noted the fact that I would probably be going in for my BIG ultrasound during the week of April 2nd because it is my Spring Break. Well, I was wrong. My Dr's office is being very picky about the fact that I have to be 20 weeks along before doing the ultrasound. And since technically I don't hit 20 weeks until the Saturday before Easter, I have to wait until the week of April 9th. ugh! So much for my "shopping glory" after I find out! I guess there is a Kohl's between my office and school...hmmm...tempting.

I have been working on my idea of how to tell everyone if Baby Boy or Baby Girl Amen is on the way. I think it's going to turn out nicely.

Officially, I am now on Spring Break. And it feels so good! I had to set a short-term goal with myself a few weeks ago because I was so swamped and stressed out with work stuff. My goal was just to make it to Spring Break...if I could make it to Spring Break the rest of the year would be cake. So, I trudged through the last couple of weeks and made it to my gloriful Spring Break! Yay!

Nothing new with Baby Amen, except for the fact that he or she is getting big. I feel him or her moving a lot...and I love it. When I lay on my back and look down I can see a big lump wherever Baby Amen is residing at that moment. And if you watch carefully and catch it at the right time, you can see the "lump" slowly disappear and reappear in a different spot. It's so cool!

so i guess you can see a little difference...

2007-03-24T20:45:00.000-06:00

I didn't really notice it until just now, looking back at my weekly pictures, but you can tell I have a little bit of baby showing. All my clothes still fit me, though, so that's a good thing. I know it won't be too much longer before I will need to do some shopping, but for now I'm happy to stick it out with what I've got.

Last weekend I didn't get to posting a new blog, basically because I've been so busy. Swamped with school things, by the time I get home I crash. Last Saturday was St. Patrick's Day. I went out for dinner with my sister-in-law. She got me the cutest flower arrangement. Here's a picture.

Pretty clever, I think. Anyway, after dinner we wandered over to Nebraska Furniture Mart to look at baby furniture. It's always fun to look at baby stuff. I don't think their prices are any better than any other place I've been to, so for now I'll just be content with waiting to make big purchases until my summer vaca.

Baby Amen is an active one. Ever since the first movement, it seems Baby Amen has been on the go. Granted, the baby isn't big enough to let all of his or her dancing around keep me up at night, but it is big enough to give me entertainment each day. Yes, that's right. My newest form of entertainment is to come home from school each night and lay down with my hand on my belly. I LOVE to feel Baby Amen moving around. It's so cool. It's the most amazing thing ever, to know your tiny baby is growing and thriving inside of you! I love it.

My next O.B. appointment is on the 26th. I don't have my 20 week ultrasound scheduled yet, so I'm thinking they'll schedule it while I'm there. I'm going to ask that I have my ultrasound done during my Spring Break, that way I don't have to miss any work for it. Also, I'll be free to go straight out shopping after I find out whether to expect Baby Boy Amen or Baby Girl Amen! HA! Actually, I'm not kidding. I've been restraining myself ever since I found out...I deserve a little shopping glory after finding out the sex of my baby! Not too much glory, though. I know I'll be receiving a lot of gifts from family and friends, which I'm so grateful for. Anyway, I've thought of a cute idea of how to tell everyone if Baby Amen is a boy or girl, so I'm in the planning stages now. I'm hoping it turns out because I think it'll be fun. After all, this baby deserves a grand announcement! Baby Amen will be the first grandchild on both the Amen and Johnston side of the family. What a honorable position this little one holds!

Life outside of Baby Amen is speeding past me. I know I'm moving forward in life, but I feel like half of who I am got left behind, somewhere in November of 2006. I don't feel like I'm any less of a person, but I do feel broken. Today marks exactly 4 months since Josh went home and I still feel as broken today as I did on that day. Yes, time moved on...but it hasn't healed anything. Most of the time I still don't believe that he's not here. It just doesn't seem possible. Josh and I always knew it was possible that he may need to leave early, but nothing can really prepare you for when it actually happens. And I can't believe it actually happened. I'm grateful that Josh finds ways to let me know he's still here, though. In my heart I have faith that he never really left and that the only thing he can do to let me know he's around is to leave clues, little hints to help strengthen my belief. Without those little reminders I don't know that I could keep going, but Josh makes sure that I stay strong and live the life that he and I planned on living together. I'm sure I'll make a few deviations from the original plan, but eventually I predict I'll end up right where I'm supposed to be, on my own way home to see my love, my Joshua.

four months and loving it...

2007-03-13T20:19:00.000-06:00

Well, here we are at month #4! How exciting! Last night I felt the baby for sure. And now tonight I'm really feeling Baby Amen moving around in there. Still don't have a clue if little Baby Girl Amen or little Baby Boy Amen is on the way. No mother's intuition yet. Can't wait for the ultrasound, though...whenever that is.

This past weekend I went out to Minden with Josh's mom & sister to visit his grandma. Here's a picture from our trip. The Sandhill Cranes are migrating, so the skies and fields are filled with them. They may not be the prettiest birds, but to those of us bird lovers, it's pretty interesting to see so many birds at one time. We saw many more birds than this, but the other pictures didn't come out as clear as this one.

I still remember the trip Josh and I took out to Minden during the migration. It was amazing. Neither of us had ever seen so many birds at one time in our entire lives. We had a lot of fun trips together to visit Grandma. She was and still is pretty special to Josh & I, which is why I think Josh felt comfortable "going home" when he did. He knew she was there to be with me when he had to go. Always worrying about me, even up to his last moments on Earth, what an amazing husband he was...and continues to be. I hope I can show just how amazing of a person Josh is to our baby. One thing I know for sure, this baby will always know how much their daddy loves them and how much their daddy wanted them. I know he'll make sure of that.

first ob appt on the 26th...

2007-03-01T21:14:00.000-06:00

My appointment on the 26th went well. I didn't learn anything new. It was basically just to meet the physician's assistant and give all of my medical history. I got to hear Baby Amen's heartbeat, which sounded good, but I won't get another ultrasound until I am 20 weeks. At that ultrasound I will find out the sex of Baby Amen as long as he or she wants to show me. So now that I'm seeing a regular OB, I have an appointment every 4 weeks until the last month of pregnancy, then I'll have an appointment every week. I'm really going to miss not seeing my baby on that monitor every 2 weeks!

Well, I'm home from school today, which is why I am able to update this blog. I was supposed to update last weekend, but I've been so busy with school, it was just impossible to get to it. Lucky me, though...the "March Blizzard of 2007" is allowing me another day away from school tomorrow. That means a 4 day weekend for me! Maybe I can get caught up on some things around the house.

All is going well health wise. The muscles in my lower abdomen feel like they are stretching a lot. I think that Baby Amen is growing and getting stronger. I'm hoping I'll be able to feel him or her moving around soon. I know I'll probably get a little annoyed with all of the moving around and kicking and hiccuping later on in the pregnancy, but right now I can't wait for all of that to start! As soon as I know for sure that I can feel Baby Amen moving around, I'll definitely post something here to document the occasion. :)

here I am in the 2nd trimester...

2007-02-18T22:53:00.000-06:00

Almost every time I post on this blog I feel like I mention how fast time is flying by. And this time is no exception. I'm now officially into my 2nd trimester, so things feel a little safer to me. I went in for an ultrascreen test on Valentine's Day, which was quite the experience. What I learned from the appointment...Baby Amen is stubborn. Well, I guess it's bound to be true...I mean look at Mommy and Daddy! Anyway, my appointment was at 10:45, but the office was running a little behind. I ate quite a lot of sugar before going in because I was told that would be the best way to get Baby Amen moving around for the ultrasound. They called me in for the ultrasound only to find that Baby Amen was not in the right position and was sound asleep with his or her hand up by their face. By what the doctor was saying, whenever babies in the womb have their hands by their face it usually means that they are comfy and sleeping. The doctor proceeded to push and prod and jiggle and shake things around trying to get Baby Amen to wake up. No luck. So...she sent me back out to the waiting room to pump me full of more sugar. Someone at the office made homemade toffee, so she brought some of that out for me, she got me a huge glass of Diet Coke (which I haven't drank caffeine in forever), and she handed me a handful of Valentine's Day candy to chow down on to get Baby Amen sugared up. Twenty minutes later she called me back in for another try at the ultrasound. This time Baby Amen was in a worse position and still not moving around much. Stubborn. The doctor left me in the room to let the sugar keep working for another 15 or 20 minutes. Now, for the 3rd ultrasound of the day, Baby Amen still wasn't moving around a whole lot, but had at least moved enough to be in the right position for the test. So, the doctor finally got the measurements and of course let me know that my baby was the difficult baby of the day. :) She said she never expected that I would be the one to have the stubborn baby. HA! Here's the newest picture of Baby Amen.
I'm hoping you all are getting better at looking at and deciphering these ultrasound pictures by now. If not, I'll explain a little. On the right you can see Baby Amen's head. You can also see the 2 eye sockets. In Baby Amen's body you can see a curved white line along the bottom and that is his or her spine. The little thing sticking up is a hand with tiny little fingers. You can't see the legs and feet in the picture, but trust me, they're there...I saw them during one of the other multiple ultrasounds of the day!

After my 3 ultrasounds for the day I came out of the exam room and was greeted by a couple of cheering doctors. You see, I have officially graduated from my RE's office and have now moved on to seeing a regular OB! YAY! My first visit at the OB's office will be on February 26th. I guess that this OB only takes patients of my RE, so that is reassuring. I am a little bummed at the fact that I won't get an ultrasound every 2 weeks anymore. :( I love seeing my little baby. Oh well, in only a few short months I'll get to see Baby Amen every single day and that's what I'm most looking forward to!

Quick side note...for those of you still wondering about my ovary...it's still 7cm. But the doctor said it isn't as "fluffy" as it used to be. So, whatever that means! I take it that it looks like it's starting to go down, but just hasn't really started to shrink yet?!? My feeling still remains the same. As long as it's not causing any problems, I'm not going to worry. But I will knock on wood, so as not to jinx myself!

I did find out some very exciting news this week. Friends of Josh and I are expecting a baby in mid-September! So, I'll get to share this whole first time pregnancy thing with her...which I think is pretty cool. When I first found out I was so excited, yet so sad at the same time. I wasn't sad because they are having a baby, but I was, and still am, sad that all 4 of us can't go through this first time life experience together. We always double-dated and hung out together...it would have just been really neat to do this whole baby thing together, too. They're great people, so I know I'll always keep in touch and be welcome to hang out with them, but I just want to scream because Josh can't be here to be a part of it, too! This is just another situation to prove to me that all of my previous expectations for life are shattered and there's not much I can do about it. I need to somehow re-train my brain so when these things come up they don't hit me like a ton of bricks. Bad thing is, I know there's no way to predict how I'm going to react to a situation and if it's even a bad thing that I feel this way when things like this come up. I guess I just keep praying and keep talking to Josh, and somehow I'll make it through.

so...i'm a little lazy...

2007-02-10T11:36:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed that I did not post last week. Actually, I didn't even take an 11 week picture! I was too lazy and just put it off. I didn't take the picture on Saturday, like I usually do, so I told myself I'd do it Sunday. Well, Sunday led to Monday, Monday led to Tuesday, and here I am at Saturday again. Oh well, there's not much noticable change anyway. Last week, I did however, feel a slight flutter while I was at school after eating a very chocolatey piece of cake. I don't know if it was the sugar and it made Baby Amen go crazy in there...or maybe it wasn't anything, but whatever I felt I've never felt anything quite like it before. I haven't felt anything since then, so who knows.

Baby Amen is getting bigger. By the book that I'm reading it says that he or she is about 3 inches long right now. And in the next couple of weeks, Baby Amen will grow approximately a 1/2 an inch every week! I am officially moving into my second trimester, so the baby will really start to take off in growth. My appointment on Wednesday should be a lot of fun.

I'm missing Josh more and more and more. I really have a hard time explaining to people how I feel, but yesterday I found a song that explains a little of how I'm feeling right now. The second it started playing and I heard the words, I was in tears from how strongly I connected to it. If you go to my myspace page you can hear it...or you can click here and click on the song "Homesick."
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=28483424
Or if neither of those things are an option here are the lyrics.

Homesick

by MercyMe

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

another successful ultrasound...

2007-01-28T19:51:00.000-06:00

The ultrasound I had on Friday the 26th was a lot of fun for me. The picture that the doctor ended up printing out really doesn't do my ultrasound justice. At one point the picture was so clear of my little baby with it's arms and feet just moving all over the place. It was amazing! I think both the doctor and I broke out into a simultaneous "Awww" as soon as that shot came into view. It was so sweet. I wish she would have hit "print" right then, but she didn't. Here's the picture that she did print out.

Now, let me explain the picture. Baby Amen is in the middle of that black sack. On the right side is the baby's head, on the left side is the baby's butt, and sticking down in the middle is an arm. The baby is facing away from the screen, so in this view you just see the back of the head, back, and butt. When you look at the progression of ultrasound pictures, it's just a miracle to see how much they grow in such a short time. Also, if you notice in the information box to the left, it says that Baby Amen is measuring 10w 1d (10weeks 1day), but on the day this picture was taken I was 9w 6d. That means Baby Amen is even ahead of schedule in size.

I will be going back in to my specialist on February 14th for a First Trimester Ultra-screen, which will look for certain chromosomal disorders, like Down's Syndrome. I'm supposed to eat something full of sugar, like a king-sized candy bar before I go in, so that way Baby Amen is pretty active for the test. It says the ultrasound can last for approximately 30 minutes while they look for signs of the disorders. 30 minutes is a long time to get to look at my baby!

Also, I'm sure some of you are wondering about my ovary. Well, there's no change. It's still 7cm and hanging on. The doctor says that it should start going down any time now, it's just being stubborn. Oh well, knock on wood, it hasn't really been causing me any trouble, so I won't worry about it too much.

The end of my first trimester is drawing ever so near. I know you can't really tell any change in my belly pics week by week, but I can feel a change going on. I'm noticing that my lower abdomen is getting harder to the touch and I can't wait too long to go to the bathroom otherwise it starts to hurt like crazy. I haven't really noticed the baby "fluttering" yet, but I try to lay really still when I go to bed, and concentrate really hard to see if I feel anything...hasn't worked yet. Every night I ask Josh to keep us both safe and healthy just one more day...and each night I return to tell him thank you and ask him for another. He's such a good Daddy, even from Heaven. So, onward we go...on this journey God has sent us to lead.

morning sickness subsided, but why do i still feel yucky...

2007-01-20T23:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I still feel yucky because I have a lovely cold brewing. It started about a week ago with a pretty sore throat. I was worried that it might be strep because I had been exposed to it at school, so I went in to see my doctor. No strep. Then the sore throat went away, but I noticed my ears popping. Next, I noticed my sinuses starting to feel pretty plugged. Well, now I'm to the point of having sinus headaches all day long, along with a cough that just makes my head hurt worse. I'm not taking any meds for it, obviously...so who knows how long it'll take before I get over it. I'm not really complaining about being sick, but it's just another little hurdle for me to jump over during this pregnancy.

I'm looking forward to another exciting ultrasound on January 26th. I wonder what the baby will look like then? I don't know what I'll do once they release me to a regular OB because then I won't get to have an ultrasound every two weeks anymore! Oh well, I guess if they release me that just means things are looking healthy and I'm well on my way to holding a little baby in my arms. I'm still searching for an OB. I haven't decided whether I want to deliver at Methodist or at UNMC. Methodist is the health system that I'm currently in for all of my general medical needs. UNMC is a strong choice because I know a lot of people there and I'm comfortable there since for a long time it was like my 2nd home. I haven't visited either labor and delivery wards yet, but I'd like to do that before I make my decision. Once I decide where I want to deliver, then I can pick an OB within that system. All of the decisions are wearing me out! I'm the most indecisive person I know! I always use one of my favorite quotes to describe my decision making skills...and Josh always agreed with me.

"I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure."

still lookin' good...

2007-01-13T22:50:00.000-06:00

I made it in for my ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday, January 12th. Everything looks really good. Well, except for my ovary, which is about 7cm right now. They're going to keep an eye on it for a while to make sure it starts to go down on it's own. Now, on to the fun stuff. I got to see Baby Amen's heartbeat! Better yet, I got to hear it, too! The doctor got the machine to lock onto the pulse, but Baby Amen was moving around so much she kept having to re-adjust the machine to find the heartbeat. Only 8 weeks old and already can't hold still for a picture. :) The ultrasound picture is so cool. Just 2 weeks ago you couldn't see a baby at all. Now, you can see the shape of the body forming.

Let me explain the picture. Inside that long, hot dog shaped sack is the baby. You can see the two little crosses that the doctor put on there to measure the baby's size. The cross on the right end of the baby is on Baby Amen's head. In the middle, pointing downwards is Baby Amen's arm. And the cross on the left end of the baby is on Baby Amen's feet. It's amazing to me that in only 2 weeks all of this has formed and Baby Amen really looks like a tiny, little baby!

I go back in for another ultrasound and more bloodwork on January 26th. I will be a day away from 10 weeks at that time, which is crazy to me to think that I'm getting so close to the end of my 1st trimester. Even with all of the negative side-effects of pregnancy, so far, I love being pregnant. I'm nurturing this little baby inside of me, which can't truly be explained in words. It's awesome.

Today, Mom, Dad, Alek, Ashlyn, and I went "shopping" for baby stuff. We weren't actually buying...just looking. We had just planned on going to one store because it is going out of business, so we thought we might find some good deals. Negative. It was pretty well picked over and even the sale prices weren't that great compared to what I've seen elsewhere. Well, since we had no luck there we decided to go to Babies "R" Us to look around. Now that's a fun store to go to! I have a feeling I'll be going back there for goodies later. I'm excited to pick out furniture and a stroller and a car seat and a swing and a bouncer and...well...just everything. It's so exciting!

we begin a new year...

2007-01-06T15:43:00.000-06:00

So here we are...2007. Things look a lot different this year than they have any other year, that's for sure. With Baby Amen on the way and Josh not around, things just seem a little out of place for me. New Year's Eve was pretty tough for me, as well as New Year's Day...well, and every day since, for that matter. Besides the 31st being Josh's birthday, it just felt wrong to be going into a whole new year without Josh there with me. I didn't want to start a whole new year without Josh with me. It sounds silly, but in 2006 I still had Josh and overnight it became 2007 and I won't have Josh at all this year. It's hard to move on and I don't see myself moving on very quickly, if ever at all. I'm not sure if it's hormones or not, but everything seems a little more difficult lately. I cry a lot, which could be the hormones, but I think it has to do with other things, too.

I'm excited about going in for my next ultrasound. It's scheduled for January 12th. I should be able to see the heartbeat for sure...maybe even hear it. Also, I think if everything looks good my RE will release me to a regular OB doctor. I can't believe that I'm almost 2 months along! It seems like just yesterday I was peeing on a stick and praying for that second pink line! Time flies, huh?!?

the results are in...

2006-12-29T14:32:00.000-06:00

Baby Amen is just one baby! And he or she is a perfect and beautiful little bean right now. At my ultrasound this morning Baby Amen measured at about 5 weeks 6 days, which is right where it should be. It was awesome looking up at the monitor and seeing my little baby up there! I just can't quite describe the feeling. The Dr. said Baby Amen had just developed a heart, so by my next ultrasound, which is January 12th, I should for sure be able to see the heart beating. :) Yay!

I did find out some scary news amidst the good news. It seems from the fertility medication that I was on, I now have an enlarged ovary. And when I say enlarged, I mean GIGANTIC! Dr. says I am at an extremely high risk of Ovarian Torsion, which is where the ovary can twist on itself and block blood flow. She said I would know for sure if it happens because it will be the worst, most extreme pain that I've ever felt in my life. yikes! If it does happen, I have to go straight to the ER for surgery to fix it. If I don't get it fixed right away, the part of the ovary that is not receiving blood flow could die and then they'd have to remove the whole thing all-together! I don't want that! So, anyway...I have to be very careful for the next 4 or 5 weeks. No lifting things over 15 pounds, no running or exercising...only walking carefully, and even with taking extreme precautions I could still roll over in bed or turn in a chair and have it happen. ugh! I guess with having a baby there's always something to worry about!

eight hours, twenty minutes and counting...

2006-12-28T22:39:00.000-06:00

How can I sleep tonight?!? I'm so excited about having my ultrasound tomorrow! Not just to find out how many little Baby Amens are coming, but just to see...really see my little one(s) for the first time! I can't imagine anything better than that...well, other than getting to hold them for the first time. I might even be able to see the heartbeat. It's all such a miracle and I feel so blessed to be a part of it. Now, what will truly be a miracle is if I can get any sleep tonight!

pics from christmas...

2006-12-27T12:40:00.000-06:00

So I figured I'd post some pictures of Ashlyn, Alek, Matt, and I wearing our t-shirts on Christmas morning.

Now, it's a good thing I had my t-shirt because Grammy was not "getting it." Finally, I had to run into the other room and slip on my shirt just so she understood what was going on.

I also got Baby Amen's first outfit. Well, it'll work if a boy is on the way...not so sure it'll work if it's a girl. But it's still so cute and so little!

I also got a huge jar of olives from Alek. However, since Christmas weekend the nausea has started to hit, so we'll see if I'll be able to consume these yummy olives or not. Now when I have nausea, no food sounds appealing...AT ALL!

I keep thinking about what life will be like one year from now. I'm excited and anxious for what life has in store for me and my family. Knowing Josh, he'll keep me busy and keep life full of surprises! I just can't wait for what's around the corner!

cravings? this early?

2006-12-23T12:59:00.000-06:00

Here we are at 5 weeks. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me, but the past few days I've been having some cravings. Well, one to be exact. OLIVES! Black olives, green olives, you name the olive, i want it. It's pretty strange, too, because this past week I've had queasiness off and on, but no matter how queasy I am, I still could eat olives. Weird!

Well, Christmas is only a few short days away and I find myself torn between complete joy and complete despair. I am overwhelmed with the joy of being pregnant with me and Josh's first child. There are no words to describe the feeling of knowing that a future lives on inside of me. Yet, I am in total despair without having Josh here with me. I want him to be able to share in the joy and happiness that I'm feeling. I have faith that he truly is here alongside me through it all, I just wish I could see him, smell him, touch him. There are no words to describe the feeling of knowing that his future lives on inside of me. Christmas will be somewhat the same as the many years before, while at the same time, be totally different than the many years before. I'll be excited and anxious for Christmas morning, yet be lost and nervous at the same time.

The feelings I'll feel as the holidays approach kind of sum up the feelings I feel towards life in general right now. People have mentioned how they are worried now that I'm pregnant that I will not grieve the loss of Josh the way I should. I can assure you that will not happen. It's difficult to describe my feelings towards life right now. Try to think of two things that are complete and total opposites of one another. Two things that are exact polar extremes that could not be close in relation in any sense at all. Well, that sort of describes my feelings. I am, on one hand, so thrilled with being pregnant and having something to look forward to in life. While on the other hand, so devastated and broken with the loss of my best friend, my soulmate, my husband. For those of you worried I am not grieving the way that I should, I say to you one thing. You do not know, nor will you ever know how I should grieve...only God, Josh, and I know how I should grieve during this difficult time. The journey God has planned for me is already set out ahead of me. I have faith that Josh will guide me from Heaven through my journey in life. I also have faith that Josh will be attached to our child through their journey in life, as well.

my 2nd beta is in...

2006-12-17T17:35:00.000-06:00

Well, my second beta is in and it's 210! That means things are looking good! Now I've got to wait a few weeks before going back in to see the doctor. I'm so anxious for everything. Excited and anxious.
I'm telling Alek and Ashlyn tonight about having a niece or nephew soon. I made t-shirts for them that say "Uncle Alek" and "Aunt Ashlyn" on the backs with a baby picture of each one of them on the front. They turned out very cute. I made one for Matt, also, but he won't get his 'til he comes down for Christmas. I'm going to have them all wear their shirts on Christmas morning and that will be how Grandma and Grandpa Johnston find out.
Fun, fun...this is all so fun!

a little bit of background...

2006-12-16T18:31:00.000-06:00

Josh and I have been trying for a couple years to make our dream happen. Josh started to get really sick and we knew that we'd have to work fast at making our dream come true. Well, things started to happen all at once and Josh went home to Heaven on 11.24.06 in the early hours of the morning. Next thing I knew I was going in to see my doctor on 12.1.06, only 1 week after Josh had to leave. I waited and waited and waited...and finally 13 days after having the procedure done (12.14.06) I noticed a faint line on a home pregnancy test.

I was so nervous and in disbelief, so I was on edge most of the day. I wanted it to be positive so badly, but I was afraid of getting my hopes up to only have them dashed away. In the evening of 12.14.06 I decided to test again. And again I got a faint line. I layed both tests next to eachother and stared in awe.

The next morning (12.15.06) I went into my doctor's office and gave a blood sample for them to confirm my positive home pregnancy tests. And low and behold...I really am pregnant!!! My first beta was 70. They will check my beta every couple of days for a while to make sure the number is doubling, which means the pregnancy is getting stronger. Let's pray it continues to grow and Baby Amen continues to grow right along with it! I am so excited about becoming a Mommy. I am especially excited about having this amazing gift from Josh. I know that he made it all possible. I have faith, Josh. I have faith.