the results are in...

Baby Amen is just one baby! And he or she is a perfect and beautiful little bean right now. At my ultrasound this morning Baby Amen measured at about 5 weeks 6 days, which is right where it should be. It was awesome looking up at the monitor and seeing my little baby up there! I just can't quite describe the feeling. The Dr. said Baby Amen had just developed a heart, so by my next ultrasound, which is January 12th, I should for sure be able to see the heart beating. :) Yay!

I did find out some scary news amidst the good news. It seems from the fertility medication that I was on, I now have an enlarged ovary. And when I say enlarged, I mean GIGANTIC! Dr. says I am at an extremely high risk of Ovarian Torsion, which is where the ovary can twist on itself and block blood flow. She said I would know for sure if it happens because it will be the worst, most extreme pain that I've ever felt in my life. yikes! If it does happen, I have to go straight to the ER for surgery to fix it. If I don't get it fixed right away, the part of the ovary that is not receiving blood flow could die and then they'd have to remove the whole thing all-together! I don't want that! So, anyway...I have to be very careful for the next 4 or 5 weeks. No lifting things over 15 pounds, no running or exercising...only walking carefully, and even with taking extreme precautions I could still roll over in bed or turn in a chair and have it happen. ugh! I guess with having a baby there's always something to worry about!

eight hours, twenty minutes and counting...

How can I sleep tonight?!? I'm so excited about having my ultrasound tomorrow! Not just to find out how many little Baby Amens are coming, but just to see...really see my little one(s) for the first time! I can't imagine anything better than that...well, other than getting to hold them for the first time. I might even be able to see the heartbeat. It's all such a miracle and I feel so blessed to be a part of it. Now, what will truly be a miracle is if I can get any sleep tonight!

pics from christmas...

So I figured I'd post some pictures of Ashlyn, Alek, Matt, and I wearing our t-shirts on Christmas morning.

Now, it's a good thing I had my t-shirt because Grammy was not "getting it." Finally, I had to run into the other room and slip on my shirt just so she understood what was going on.

I also got Baby Amen's first outfit. Well, it'll work if a boy is on the way...not so sure it'll work if it's a girl. But it's still so cute and so little!

I also got a huge jar of olives from Alek. However, since Christmas weekend the nausea has started to hit, so we'll see if I'll be able to consume these yummy olives or not. Now when I have nausea, no food sounds appealing...AT ALL!

I keep thinking about what life will be like one year from now. I'm excited and anxious for what life has in store for me and my family. Knowing Josh, he'll keep me busy and keep life full of surprises! I just can't wait for what's around the corner!

cravings? this early?

Here we are at 5 weeks. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me, but the past few days I've been having some cravings. Well, one to be exact. OLIVES! Black olives, green olives, you name the olive, i want it. It's pretty strange, too, because this past week I've had queasiness off and on, but no matter how queasy I am, I still could eat olives. Weird!

Well, Christmas is only a few short days away and I find myself torn between complete joy and complete despair. I am overwhelmed with the joy of being pregnant with me and Josh's first child. There are no words to describe the feeling of knowing that a future lives on inside of me. Yet, I am in total despair without having Josh here with me. I want him to be able to share in the joy and happiness that I'm feeling. I have faith that he truly is here alongside me through it all, I just wish I could see him, smell him, touch him. There are no words to describe the feeling of knowing that his future lives on inside of me. Christmas will be somewhat the same as the many years before, while at the same time, be totally different than the many years before. I'll be excited and anxious for Christmas morning, yet be lost and nervous at the same time.

The feelings I'll feel as the holidays approach kind of sum up the feelings I feel towards life in general right now. People have mentioned how they are worried now that I'm pregnant that I will not grieve the loss of Josh the way I should. I can assure you that will not happen. It's difficult to describe my feelings towards life right now. Try to think of two things that are complete and total opposites of one another. Two things that are exact polar extremes that could not be close in relation in any sense at all. Well, that sort of describes my feelings. I am, on one hand, so thrilled with being pregnant and having something to look forward to in life. While on the other hand, so devastated and broken with the loss of my best friend, my soulmate, my husband. For those of you worried I am not grieving the way that I should, I say to you one thing. You do not know, nor will you ever know how I should grieve...only God, Josh, and I know how I should grieve during this difficult time. The journey God has planned for me is already set out ahead of me. I have faith that Josh will guide me from Heaven through my journey in life. I also have faith that Josh will be attached to our child through their journey in life, as well.

my 2nd beta is in...

Well, my second beta is in and it's 210! That means things are looking good! Now I've got to wait a few weeks before going back in to see the doctor. I'm so anxious for everything. Excited and anxious.
I'm telling Alek and Ashlyn tonight about having a niece or nephew soon. I made t-shirts for them that say "Uncle Alek" and "Aunt Ashlyn" on the backs with a baby picture of each one of them on the front. They turned out very cute. I made one for Matt, also, but he won't get his 'til he comes down for Christmas. I'm going to have them all wear their shirts on Christmas morning and that will be how Grandma and Grandpa Johnston find out.
Fun, fun...this is all so fun!

a little bit of background...

Josh and I have been trying for a couple years to make our dream happen. Josh started to get really sick and we knew that we'd have to work fast at making our dream come true. Well, things started to happen all at once and Josh went home to Heaven on 11.24.06 in the early hours of the morning. Next thing I knew I was going in to see my doctor on 12.1.06, only 1 week after Josh had to leave. I waited and waited and waited...and finally 13 days after having the procedure done (12.14.06) I noticed a faint line on a home pregnancy test.

I was so nervous and in disbelief, so I was on edge most of the day. I wanted it to be positive so badly, but I was afraid of getting my hopes up to only have them dashed away. In the evening of 12.14.06 I decided to test again. And again I got a faint line. I layed both tests next to eachother and stared in awe.

The next morning (12.15.06) I went into my doctor's office and gave a blood sample for them to confirm my positive home pregnancy tests. And low and behold...I really am pregnant!!! My first beta was 70. They will check my beta every couple of days for a while to make sure the number is doubling, which means the pregnancy is getting stronger. Let's pray it continues to grow and Baby Amen continues to grow right along with it! I am so excited about becoming a Mommy. I am especially excited about having this amazing gift from Josh. I know that he made it all possible. I have faith, Josh. I have faith.